Money is one of the most common causes of arguments in relationships of all kinds. Although in reality it’s often not money that is the core issue. Often the argument or upset is really about control, sex, power, health, weight or any number of other issues. It’s just money is an easy everyday thing to blame.
The problem many people have is that they are just not comfortable talking about money. Many are not comfortable even thinking about it. They try and avoid opening their bills and credit card statements. They get depressed and angry when anyone questions their spending habits. They get defensive when their partner suggests they need to talk about their finances. They even start to lie to other people and to themselves about the truth of their situation.
If you’re one of those people, or if you have been, then read on. If you’re not, then read on anyway so that you can avoid getting into the same situation.
So how do you start to resolve your feelings about money so that you won’t fall into the argument trap?
Firstly, you need to understand that money itself has no emotion. It just is. All the emotion attached to money comes from inside you. So you can’t actually blame money, or the lack of it, for how you feel. Now when you start to think of it this way, you immediately start to feel more in control. You feel more in control because now you can decide how you choose to feel. You can select your emotions.
Of course we all like to look around for triggers to blame when we get angry or upset but the truth is that any of these emotions come from inside us and they are not caused by the outside influence. It’s just a little scary when we realise that it’s actually you who decides how you feel.
In a relationship money often comes to represent power and this can lead to different behaviours like negotiation or seduction to gain control of the money and through it, the power. When the negotiation and the seduction don’t work then often people turn to irrational behaviours like secret spending, gambling, refusing to work and earn money, overeating, getting sick or even stealing. This can happen in families, especially with young adolescents and in couples. It can also happen in the workplace.
You need to recognise whether you are engaging in this behaviour yourself and if you are then simply ask yourself whether there is actually a better way. You know in your heart that these behaviours will not resolve anything they may simply bring things to a head in an unpleasant and negative way.
If you see these behaviours in others then you need to act like a politician. You need to talk openly and allow other’s opinions to be heard. Ask them what they would like to do and ask for suggestions as to how that can work within your current income or budget. Ask how they can help. This kind of irrational behaviour stems from a person feeling powerless, which means that someone else must be too powerful. To change you need to share the power, which may mean sharing the money and the responsibility.
Look back at the negotiations that have taken place over money and consider the outcomes. Did someone always win? Did they refuse to listen or be flexible? If so, then that person has too much power and will have to give a little. And that includes you.
If it is you, then you need to change and you need to renegotiate. If it’s someone else then you need to have an open conversation where you express your position as calmly as possible in terms that say what you want without putting the other person in the wrong. “Would you be able to be more flexible on that?” is better than “You always have to win, don’t you?”
If you’re a couple then discuss money. Enjoy the process and make it fun and something to celebrate. People who are positive about money will get themselves comfortable, pour themselves a glass of wine and pay their bills with a big smile on their face. And before you say that’s just the rich people, think about what might have come first, the attitude or the wealth.
Talk about the meanings that you attach to money. What it represents to you. Discuss it with your partner and explore other ways to satisfy your needs and wants beyond money. Perhaps it’s about freedom, security, power, status, love or some other value. Make it a game of exploration. Open up and be honest and you’ll find the arguments stopping and your relationship exploding. In a good way!
When you talk about money together, focus on wealth and not poverty. Focus on abundance and not scarcity. Think about the solutions to your situation and don’t dwell on the problems or the reasons that you got there. And don’t apportion blame, share the responsibility to solve your issues together. And be honest.
By: Andy Warren
Posts Tagged ‘Spending Habits’
Money Problems – Why Do You Argue About Money?
February 7th, 2010Where Did My Money Go? 5 Pillars of Money Management
January 5th, 2010
Let’s be honest, money can be slippery. It can slide out of your hands before you can even say, “goodbye.” For most of us, spending money isn’t the problem. It’s holding on to it and making it grow that gives us the most grief.
While I was doing the research for my first book, “Cool Stuff” They Should Teach in School, I interviewed financial planners, investment analysts, and wealthy businesspeople. After collecting this information at the ripe old age of 17, I was seriously confused. But after writing, reading, and re-writing about the topic, I began to notice a pattern of basic money management rules emerge.
I learned that managing money correctly doesn’t have to be an overwhelming process. Those people who are financially free tend to live by five very simple principles.
Rule #1: Take responsibility
One of the biggest myths I see today is that we all deserve a great life full of nice things, plenty of money, and tons of happiness. The truth is, there is only one person in charge of the quality of your life … you!
The first step to becoming financially independent is to take responsibility for your own money. When, where, and how do you spend your money? Those questions may seem obvious, but most people hesitate to answer them. Be aware of your spending habits. All of these rules are related, but you have to realize that your actions determine whether you’re digging for spare change in the couch or flying first class to Fiji on your vacation.
Rule #2: Pay yourself first
It may seem selfish, but if you don’t pay yourself first, you’ll never be financially set. This means take the first ten percent (or more-it’s your future) of what you earn and invest it right away. Remember, money never seen cannot be missed.
My parents introduced this rule to me at a very young age-even though I was only getting paid one dollar an hour. Today, I thank them for it because I now have money saved up for emergencies and have laid a strong foundation for my future.
Rule #3: Give before you get
You don’t get a tree unless you plant a seed. And investing requires the same process. You’ll never become rich unless you plant your money into a worthwhile investment. The more time that passes, the more your money will grow. (That’s right, just like a tree)
Your dreams will come true as a result your own responsibility, sacrifices, and patience. For two summers, I sacrificed tons of time I could have been hanging out with friends and going to the beach in order to finish my book. But giving my time and effort has contributed to getting the life I want. In other words, we might have to give up some things now, to make things easier (or better) later on.
Perhaps Zig Ziglar said it best: “Do the thing things you need to do when you need to do them and the day will come when you will be able to do the things you want to do when you want to do them.”
Rule #4: Opportunity cost
Whether you’re buying a coffee, an expensive outfit, or a car, each choice you make has an opportunity cost. In short, this means that when you make one choice, you’re giving up another alternative. Any decision that leaves you with two or more choices is an example of opportunity cost. Essentially, we are all faced with the same situation … We must choose between “the pleasures of the now” or delayed gratification. Each dollar we spend shapes our financial condition. How are your money management decisions contributing to your future?
Rule #5: Get your money to work for you
There are two categories we spend money on.
i) Assets
ii) Liabilities.
To simplify things, I like to call these Money Eaters and Money Makers.
The name gives it away; you don’t want to spend the majority of your money on liabilities or Money Eaters (ME) because these things will devour your dinero. Look at these purchases as junk food to your bank account. It’s money that you spend on yourself for immediate pleasure, hence the first letter of each word: “ME.” Money Eaters are things you buy that decrease in value once purchased, (music CD’s, clothes, stereo equipment, etc.)
On the other side, you want more of the M&M’s … or the Money Makers. Like the name suggests, these are purchases that allow your money to grow or investments that increase in value. This is what some people refer to as, “making your money work for you.” Yes, it’s definitely a good thing.
Think before you spend. If you spend too much money on “ME” you’ll never have the freedom you really want. Search for M&M’s and invest in things that will make you more money … not eat it. Don’t just work for money, have your money work for you.
- Kent Healy
By: Kent Healy
Money Management – 5 Steps to Start Saving Money Today
December 7th, 2009
There are many ways to save money on a day to day basis, but to consistently save money over time there are some steps that you can take. At the end of the year, these steps can save you hundreds if not thousands of dollars depending on your spending habits and your current debt situation.
Here are five steps to help you save money:
1. Create a budget
By creating a budget you designate where your money is going to be spent before you actually spend it. Your budget should include necessary items such as rent or mortgage, utilities, car payments and insurance, credit card bills, food expenses, amount to be put into a savings account or retirement fund, and a miscellaneous amount for entertainment, clothing expense and any unforeseen expense that might come up in the course of month. You should stick to your budget. As for the miscellaneous amount, if you don’t end up spending it, put it into your savings.
2. Limit Credit Card spending
Credit card spending puts you into more debt and actually has the opposite effect of saving money because of the amount of interest you pay in the long run. You should adopt the attitude that if you are unable to pay cash, then you cannot afford it. Only in real emergencies should credit cards be used. Additionally, you should limit the number of credit cards you have.
3. Keep Your Receipts
You should keep all of your receipts and look at what you are spending your money on. You might be surprised at all of the little unnecessary items you spend your money on. Just how much are you spending on those double tall lattes on a monthly basis? By identifying those items you spend your money without need and eliminating them, you can save a significant amount of money.
4. Consolidate Debt
By consolidating your debt you can end up saving money on the amount of interest paid. Consolidating debt can also reduce the amount of money you have to pay out monthly and allows you to limit the number of outgoing payments each month. In the long run, consolidating debt will help you track how much you are actually spending on a monthly basis.
5. Get your Credit Score
Your credit score determines how much interest you will end up paying on any loan. By knowing your credit score and understanding how you can raise it and taking the steps to raise your credit score, you can effectively lower the amount of interest you will pay on loans you take out in the future.
Taking these five steps will help you save money not just today, but also in the future. You’ll be amazed at how much your savings will add up over time.
By: Robert Livingston
