Money is one of the most common causes of arguments in relationships of all kinds. Although in reality it’s often not money that is the core issue. Often the argument or upset is really about control, sex, power, health, weight or any number of other issues. It’s just money is an easy everyday thing to blame.

The problem many people have is that they are just not comfortable talking about money. Many are not comfortable even thinking about it. They try and avoid opening their bills and credit card statements. They get depressed and angry when anyone questions their spending habits. They get defensive when their partner suggests they need to talk about their finances. They even start to lie to other people and to themselves about the truth of their situation.

If you’re one of those people, or if you have been, then read on. If you’re not, then read on anyway so that you can avoid getting into the same situation.

So how do you start to resolve your feelings about money so that you won’t fall into the argument trap?

Firstly, you need to understand that money itself has no emotion. It just is. All the emotion attached to money comes from inside you. So you can’t actually blame money, or the lack of it, for how you feel. Now when you start to think of it this way, you immediately start to feel more in control. You feel more in control because now you can decide how you choose to feel. You can select your emotions.

Of course we all like to look around for triggers to blame when we get angry or upset but the truth is that any of these emotions come from inside us and they are not caused by the outside influence. It’s just a little scary when we realise that it’s actually you who decides how you feel.

In a relationship money often comes to represent power and this can lead to different behaviours like negotiation or seduction to gain control of the money and through it, the power. When the negotiation and the seduction don’t work then often people turn to irrational behaviours like secret spending, gambling, refusing to work and earn money, overeating, getting sick or even stealing. This can happen in families, especially with young adolescents and in couples. It can also happen in the workplace.

You need to recognise whether you are engaging in this behaviour yourself and if you are then simply ask yourself whether there is actually a better way. You know in your heart that these behaviours will not resolve anything they may simply bring things to a head in an unpleasant and negative way.

If you see these behaviours in others then you need to act like a politician. You need to talk openly and allow other’s opinions to be heard. Ask them what they would like to do and ask for suggestions as to how that can work within your current income or budget. Ask how they can help. This kind of irrational behaviour stems from a person feeling powerless, which means that someone else must be too powerful. To change you need to share the power, which may mean sharing the money and the responsibility.

Look back at the negotiations that have taken place over money and consider the outcomes. Did someone always win? Did they refuse to listen or be flexible? If so, then that person has too much power and will have to give a little. And that includes you.

If it is you, then you need to change and you need to renegotiate. If it’s someone else then you need to have an open conversation where you express your position as calmly as possible in terms that say what you want without putting the other person in the wrong. “Would you be able to be more flexible on that?” is better than “You always have to win, don’t you?”

If you’re a couple then discuss money. Enjoy the process and make it fun and something to celebrate. People who are positive about money will get themselves comfortable, pour themselves a glass of wine and pay their bills with a big smile on their face. And before you say that’s just the rich people, think about what might have come first, the attitude or the wealth.

Talk about the meanings that you attach to money. What it represents to you. Discuss it with your partner and explore other ways to satisfy your needs and wants beyond money. Perhaps it’s about freedom, security, power, status, love or some other value. Make it a game of exploration. Open up and be honest and you’ll find the arguments stopping and your relationship exploding. In a good way!

When you talk about money together, focus on wealth and not poverty. Focus on abundance and not scarcity. Think about the solutions to your situation and don’t dwell on the problems or the reasons that you got there. And don’t apportion blame, share the responsibility to solve your issues together. And be honest.

By: Andy Warren